doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.