Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

Mornin

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.