Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.