Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to