Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
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Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
scared to check what name she chose
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.