Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
my proudest tweet
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
every olympics i turn into this guy
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If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*