Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.