Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
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Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk