doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
remember
only for emergencies
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I hate my earbuds.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.