Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

that would 100% work on me

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.