Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
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My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Icarus loved hot wings.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.