Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
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No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I’ll be mad as hell!
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
