Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

Waiting for the Charmin

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*