Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy