DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
#Caturday
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me when someone tries to get to know me
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god