Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

this independent good boy don’t need no human

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?