[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
kevin is now a local weatherman
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Beware of fowl play.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.