doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister