doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
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PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
📽️movie date🎞️
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
😂💯
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.