doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Emma is smarter than all of us.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
