doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
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[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.