@arcadeseals

doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this

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@Ygrene

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

@JaymayAllDay

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

@TheBoydP

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

@1_swarthy_dude

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

@Manda_like_wine

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

@Julie_Cooker

Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.