doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this

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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?


You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.


The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.


“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker


“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”


Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.


That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.


Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.