the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
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Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks