Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

Come back with a warrant

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.