“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
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“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain