Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
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[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Have a lovely day 😊
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White