Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

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I’ve never understood the saying “you want some cheese with your whine?” Of course I want cheese. I always want cheese and also bring me some wine so I can be happy and get a buzz while I complain, please.


me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good


Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow.


Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.


I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.


my three kids wanted to do one of those taste challenges for a youtube video yesterday. The foods we chose were:

– smoked oysters
– weird crunchy cheese
– radishes
– canneloni
– kitkat ice cream

apparently the whole thing was a trick to get ice cream


If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.


My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.


the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat