I’ve never understood the saying “you want some cheese with your whine?” Of course I want cheese. I always want cheese and also bring me some wine so I can be happy and get a buzz while I complain, please.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
my three kids wanted to do one of those taste challenges for a youtube video yesterday. The foods we chose were:
– smoked oysters
– weird crunchy cheese
– kitkat ice cream
apparently the whole thing was a trick to get ice cream
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.
i wish all
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat