Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.