Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grow up never but we old may grow we

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical