Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmao

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant