Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.