Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala