Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
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lmao
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant