Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

😂

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.