Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
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Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.