Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
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Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
meanwhile over on facebook
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.