Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.