Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
that’s really how it is
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
CRYING
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork