Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.