DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
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Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me when I hear gossip
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
welcome back
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Showerkraut
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.