DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
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If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Hmm 🧐
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
peak technology
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”