Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
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An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Yes, but it was never about money
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.