Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
reminder
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!