Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.