Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768