Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no