Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you