Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Mountain Goat : )
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
When I laugh on my period
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Thursday Thought.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago