Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

put ‘er there pardner!

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*