Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no “ea” in Tim.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

Ha.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

and now we wait

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

Social Media and Real life

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.