Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Ain’t no way
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Why am I like this?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“No way.” -Jose
Love is in the air fryer.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.