Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

grotesque if literal: baby food

Lmao 😁

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.