Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…