Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
True?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.