Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs