Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

They got Raph!

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol