Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
me and my fake scenarios
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Great Canadian literature.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid