Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.