doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
english majors be like furthermore
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf