Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.