Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.