Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

Ok cat haters, explain this…

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

Still a very good boi….

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem: