doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
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Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM