Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*