Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

Nothing to do, you say?

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

eggs benadryl

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest