5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Doctor: how sick are you?
Me: idk spit a beat
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Everything that’s in sights.
Judging from the sounds in my trunk this guy would have had an excellent career as a drummer.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Jim Carrey: all righty then
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[God creating bees]
ANGEL: We already have wasps
GOD: Take away their anger
GOD: And make them chonky
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bumble boys
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*