My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Pretty much! 😂👀
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.