@DaddyJew

Doctor: how sick are you?

Me: idk spit a beat

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

@gingerfaced

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

@RandomlyMJ

Judging from the sounds in my trunk this guy would have had an excellent career as a drummer.

@Danisrivera

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

@thetigersez

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

@fro_vo

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

@lurie_john

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

@RodLacroix

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

@roxiqt

[God creating bees]

ANGEL: We already have wasps

GOD: Take away their anger

ANGEL: okay

GOD: And make them chonky

ANGEL: what

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bumble boys

@SemFitty

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*