Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
NASA has no chill
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
rip to my favourite tweet
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.