Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.