Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
