Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
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I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Sunday
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again