Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
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Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Customize Your Wedding.
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Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me![]()
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.