doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
This joke is 7 years old
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,