Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

👀

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

You know…for fall…

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.