Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

can I use a minion as a tampon

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom