Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !