doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
These are too funny not to post 😂
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂