Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

aura

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back