Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.