doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
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I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending