doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
How do you milk an almond?
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”