DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
79.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
honey, bring out the fine china.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass