Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Whoa 😂

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.